Ask David
My Future Sister-in-Law Wants to Be a Bridesmaid. We Barely Speak.
Dear David,
My fiancé has one sister. She and I are polite to each other, but we have never been close.
My future mother-in-law assumes she will be a bridesmaid. She has already asked what color dress her daughter should order.
I have chosen three friends who have supported me through some difficult years. Adding my future sister-in-law would mean leaving out someone I love or changing the wedding party I have imagined.
My fiancé says he doesn’t mind either way. His mother says excluding his sister will set a terrible tone for the marriage.
Must I include her to keep the family happy?
— Reluctant Recruiter
Dear Recruiter,
No, you don’t have to include her. A bridesmaid isn’t a hereditary title.
The women standing beside you should be women you want there, not people appointed to keep the peace at Thanksgiving.
But before you say anything to anyone, check with your fiancé. “I don’t mind either way” sometimes means exactly that, and sometimes means “Please don’t make me part of this.” Ask him straight out whether it matters to him. If it truly does, weigh it. You’re marrying into his family, and his feelings count.
If you both agree to keep the wedding party as it is, tell his mother together, kindly and briefly. No long explanation of why his sister didn’t make the cut.
If you’d genuinely like her involved, offer something real: a reading, a family tradition, a special photograph. If you’d only be inventing a job to soften the blow, skip it. People recognize a consolation prize when they see one.
And here’s something nobody seems to have asked: does his sister even want to be a bridesmaid? She may be relieved.
His mother may be disappointed. Disappointment doesn’t make your decision unkind.
A good relationship with an in-law is built over years of ordinary kindness. It isn’t guaranteed by one afternoon in matching dresses.