Ask David

My Fiancé’s First Wife Wants to Attend Our Wedding

A South Asian couple in their fifties holding hands across a sunny kitchen table, with coffee and a wedding invitation between them

Dear David,

My fiancé was married for 18 years before his divorce. He and his former wife have two adult children and remain on friendly terms.

Now she wants to attend our wedding.

My fiancé thinks this is perfectly reasonable. He says she will always be part of his family because of their children, and he doesn’t want anyone to feel excluded.

I have met her several times. She’s pleasant, but I feel uncomfortable imagining her watching us exchange vows.

My fiancé says I’m being insecure.

Am I wrong to want our wedding to be an occasion where his former wife isn’t sitting in the front row?

— The Second Bride

Dear Second Bride,

You’re not insecure. You’re allowed to want your wedding without his first wife in the audience.

But your bigger problem isn’t her. It’s the word he used about you.

There are weddings where a former spouse fits in naturally. There are others where it’s about as comfortable as inviting your old boss to watch your first day at a new job. A lot depends on the people.

Your fiancé deserves credit for staying on good terms with the mother of his children. That isn’t easy, and it’s good for the kids. But being friendly with an ex doesn’t mean inviting her to everything forever.

So ask him why it matters so much. Is it the children? Would they be hurt? Is it fairness? Or has the friendship become so comfortable that he doesn’t see why you might feel odd? Those are different reasons with different answers.

Here’s where I come down. A guest like this comes only if both of you are at ease with it. If you aren’t, she celebrates with the children another time, and he tells her so kindly and without blaming you.

Then talk about the other thing. In a marriage, “I don’t see it your way, but I want to understand” is worth a hundred rounds of “You’re just being insecure.” He needs to learn that sentence now.

And don’t make her the enemy. She may have asked out of plain goodwill.

His first marriage is part of his history. Your wedding is about the future the two of you are choosing.

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The letters on Ask David are made-up examples of real wedding dilemmas. The answers are David Pringle’s, who has officiated many weddings and grew up in his parents’ flower shop. Meet David