Ask David
My Best Friend Wants Me to Choose Between Her and My Fiancé
Dear David,
My closest friend has disliked my fiancé since they met. She says he is boring and that I have changed since we started dating.
He is quiet, thoughtful, and not particularly interested in staying out until two in the morning. I am not either anymore.
She has now said she will attend my wedding only if I promise we can continue having “girls’ weekends” exactly as we used to, without him ever being included.
I want to keep my friendship, but I resent being asked to make promises about my married life before it begins.
Is this simply a friend struggling with change, or should I be concerned?
— Pulled in Two Directions
Dear Pulled,
Don’t make the promise. She’s asking you to sign terms for a marriage that hasn’t started yet, and she doesn’t get a vote.
I’d take her fear seriously, though. Friendships shift when one friend marries. She may be scared of losing her place in your life. That deserves kindness.
But first, ask yourself one honest question. Is she worried about how he treats you? If she’s ever seen him belittle you, cut you off from people or make you smaller, listen, even if she’s said it badly. If her complaint is that he’s quiet and goes home before two in the morning, well, so do you now. That isn’t a warning sign. That’s growing up.
Then tell her the truth: “I want you in my life for good. I can’t promise nothing will ever change. But I’m not going anywhere.” Plan the next girls’ weekend yourself, so she sees you mean it.
And keep your wedding out of it. She’s invited to celebrate your choice, not to cast the deciding vote on it.
If she stays home, it will hurt. Leave the door open anyway. Old friends sometimes find their way back once they see the sky didn’t fall.
A good friend doesn’t have to love your husband. She does have to respect your right to marry him.