Marriage advice from my sister and her husband
Advice From a Couple Who Still Say "I Love You" Every Morning
My sister Sharon and her husband Dennis have one of the best marriages I know.
They soak in the hot tub together, share a drink in the evening, and head down to the river to catch perch. They're not putting on a show for anybody. They just plain enjoy each other's company.
They also like an adventure. A couple of summers ago they drove from Yellowknife all the way up through the Yukon to Skagway, Alaska and back, thousands of kilometres of road, and they still came home holding hands.
So I asked them a simple question: what would you tell a young couple getting married? Or what would you tell your younger selves? Here's what they said.
From Sharon
1.Keep talking.
"The first thing that comes to mind is to keep the lines of communication open. Dennis and I talk a lot about everything."
2.Say it every day.
"We always say 'I love you' first thing in the morning and the last thing at night."
It's a small habit, but small habits are what a marriage is built on.
3.Don't let other people get between you.
"The only time we have ever had an argument is because other people tried to interfere in our life. We don't let that happen anymore."
That one is worth reading twice. Family and friends mean well, but your marriage belongs to the two of you.
4.Stay yourself.
"Even though we don't fight we still have our own opinions on certain topics. It is important to keep your own perspective and personality. It would be a boring world if everyone was the same. I always said he was the calm in my world and I was the fire under his butt."
5.Learn to compromise, even on the little stuff.
"Compromise is also important even when it comes to picking out furniture or paint colors."
Anyone who has stood in a paint store with their spouse knows this is true.
6.Give each other some space.
"Dennis is at the camp for moose hunting this week. When I think about it that's important too, to have your own space. When he is gone I can get lost in my painting or get my Christmas baking done. It's my time to do whatever I want too."
Some of Sharon's paintings, done in her own quiet time.
Time apart isn't a crack in a marriage. It's part of what keeps it healthy. You come back with something to share.
From Dennis
Sharon calls Dennis the calm in her world, and you can hear it in the way he writes. He took his time with these. I like to think some of it came to him up in that tree house at moose camp, waiting on a moose that may or may not have shown up.
When Sharon forwarded his list to me, she added a note of her own: "He is a romantic." And she finished it with a smiley face with heart-shaped eyes 😍. After reading what he wrote, I'd say she's right.
1.Share!
"Share your thoughts about what you want out of life. Ask her what she wants out of life. Share everything you can with your partner. Do as much together as you can: trips, holidays, music, food, work experiences, good times and hard times, sex, relaxing together and everything else that can be shared."
2.Understand.
"Teach each other how to handle things that come up. When your partner needs love and care, know what you should do. When they are sick or hurt, take care of their needs. Understand when your partner is happy, sad, angry or confused, and work together to solve any of these issues or concerns. Don't go to bed mad! Understand what is troubling the relationship and work it out."
"Don't go to bed mad" is old advice, but there's a reason it's lasted. Things look smaller in the morning when you settled them the night before.
3.Time together.
"You are getting married because you want to share the rest of your life with your partner. Do all the things you both enjoy together: holidays, shopping, visiting friends and family, cooking, sex, concerts, TV programs and movies, and many other things. Share your hobbies that you both like, but when you are doing something like hunting, fishing or camping with your buddies and friends, make sure you also let your partner do the same thing with her hobbies and let her have time with her friends and buddies."
Notice that Sharon said the same thing from her side. He heads off to moose camp, she paints and gets the Christmas baking done, and nobody keeps score.
4.Money.
"So many relationships are lost over financial issues. Make sure you work together on bank accounts, bills, projects and money issues. If you want something for yourself, be it clothes or toys, let your partner know and offer them the same courtesy. Saving plans can be a fun thing to share, as they can be used for something you both want, like a vacation or holiday. Money issues can be really troublesome. Make sure you both come to an understanding and share in the solution."
I like that he calls a saving plan fun. Saving up together for a trip turns money from something you argue about into something you look forward to.
5.Surprise.
"There is nothing more important than your partner's happiness. If you surprise her, especially when they least expect it, you will reap many rewards. It doesn't have to be expensive or huge. It could be as simple as a kiss or hug when they least expect it. Or it could be a surprise that you both can share, such as a trip, concert tickets, dinner out or just quiet time together."
Then, at the end of his list, Dennis added this:
"As I wrote these 5 things I realized I had used the word 'share' on each thought. Maybe that is one of the most important things to remember as you enter this new time of your lives. If you share your happiness, your sadness, the good times and the hard times, I will bet you will stay together for a very long time and both can have a fantastic life adventure!"
Sharon says keep your own space. Dennis says share everything. You might think those pull in opposite directions, but in their house they fit together just fine. You share a life, and you give each other room to breathe inside it.
What I Take From This
Some people fill you up, and some people wear you out. You're always better off spending your time with the ones who build you up. Sharon and Dennis are that kind of couple, and I'm lucky enough to call them my sister and brother-in-law.
Spend a day with them and you'll see it. Morning coffee. A lazy afternoon. Cocktails before dinner, maybe a soak in the hot tub after. Nothing fancy. Just two people who would rather be together than anywhere else, and who always make room for you at the table.
They're great hosts because they're a great couple. You can't fake that kind of welcome. It comes from a home where people talk, laugh, and say "I love you" every morning and every night.
Over the years I stood up front with a lot of young couples on their wedding day. The vows matter, but what counts more is everything that comes after: thousands of ordinary days. Sharon and Dennis have spent theirs well.
So here's my advice to any married couple. Find friends like Sharon and Dennis. Spend time with people whose marriage you'd like yours to look like. You'll learn more from one evening on their deck than from any book, and that includes this website.
Planning a wedding of your own? You might also like why the money talk belongs before the wedding, and our free gift, Your First Year of Marriage: Twelve Notes for the Year Ahead.
More plain talk: see all of David's Take