Ask David
My Fiancé Doesn’t Want Wedding Gifts. I Certainly Do.
Dear David,
My fiancé and I are getting married next year.
We are both established in our careers and already own most of what we need for our home.
He thinks we should tell guests not to bring wedding gifts. He says people are spending enough money traveling to our wedding and that we should not expect anything else.
I appreciate his generosity, but I disagree. We have attended many weddings over the years and have given generous gifts.
I don’t think it is unreasonable to accept gifts when it is our turn. I would especially appreciate contributions toward our honeymoon.
My fiancé says that sounds transactional. I say it is simply how weddings work.
Are wedding gifts inappropriate when a couple already has everything they need?
— Giftless and Grumbling
Dear Giftless,
Your fiancé is mostly right. And your best argument is your worst one.
“We’ve given generous gifts, so it’s our turn” sounds fair, but the gifts you gave weren’t deposits in a wedding-gift savings account. They were gifts. You don’t get to cash them in.
That said, he’s going a little too far. People like giving wedding presents. Tell them flatly not to, and Aunt Margaret will be standing in a department store wringing her hands. So here’s the answer:
Say on your wedding website that your presence is the only present you need. Then set up a small honeymoon fund for people who ask, and tell the family where it is so they can pass the word. Don’t print it on the invitation. Don’t mention it unless someone asks.
Guests who want to give will find it. Guests who are stretching to buy a plane ticket won’t feel they owe you anything more.
And if a toaster still shows up despite your carefully worded instructions, write a warm thank-you note.
There are worse problems than excellent toast.